It’s a control thing.
Nausea. What an ugly, ugly word. It paid me a visit yesterday, and tortured me for hours, well into the night.
I had originally planned to write a post about my birthday. 11/15. A thoroughly odd day to be born. I wanted to write about how the numbers chose me, and how it was all wonderfully meant to be. But nothing about yesterday was wonderful. How could it be? It was the day I transitioned from 25 to 26.
On my 24th birthday, I found out about April, the girl Henry was cheating on me with. I felt nauseated then too.
On my 25th birthday, I won $1,000.00.
I’ve heard of mind over matter, and how we can will things to happen if we truly desire and believe in them. And yes, it is true that in the days leading up to my 26th birthday I was nervous and slightly depressed. But I promise you — I would have never willed what I endured yesterday. I would have easily given up that $1,000.00 to get the day back. I was throwing up, dry-heaving, and crying. By 10:00PM, crawling to the toilet, I thought death must be easier than this. “Why isn’t it leaving me?” I asked repeatedly. “Why isn’t it going away?”
I wondered if I have control over the power of odd numbers, or if it is the other way around. I thought the great thing about this world I created was that I was in control. Would my fate be different though if I didn’t live by these beliefs? Was I going to be just as sick yesterday, regardless of how many times I counted to the number seven? Does it have no connection to numbers, and am I just creating false connections? I guess I’ll have to wait for a terrible odd numbered birthday or a spectacular even numbered birthday to challenge the validity of it all.
Anyway, I am 26. Happy Miserable birthday to me.
